This month brought me some painful, yet wonderful opportunities to see with new eyes. It is easy to fall into the grooves that wore deeply in my mind from dripping, unresolved conflicts that happened before I had the ability to cope. The grooves of lies that I needed something outside of myself to resolve this old pain from old traumas, and that healing would take place somewhere in the future when I had recapped my life with some spiritual meaning and transformed my shadow. The lie that I didn't have what I needed here and now to heal. That I wasn't good enough for love. That I had to remove the unwanted qualities in myself. That my value was somehow tied to my virginity or my sanity or my ability to transform these experiences into something beautiful, and it felt like I fell short again and again. I was trying too hard to find meaning or to find some purpose in the pain. To rise from the ashes. I wasn't rising, I was conceptualizing a new me but that is OK too. We crawl before we walk. There is infinite love that has been expressing through multitudes of avenues that I had not been aware of before. Thanks to my friend in Costa Rica, Katerina Edwards, for helping me see that my preferences for how love should appear in my life were blocking me and for helping me open to the love in the now moment, in the birds, the breeze; the love in the flowers, the love in the puppy licking his paw. I was too busy focusing on just a few dead ends and wanting them to open their love to me that I was missing the love right in front of me--within me.
No comments:
Post a Comment