Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Saying No

When we think of relationships, remember that we are in relationship with more than just the people in front of us. I saw more than a few of my friends (and me) express their discomfort with their relationship with the word 'no' this week. Communicating our preferences to others can be both exciting and scary. Exciting because we are finally being real and true to self, scary because of anxieties over how we will be perceived by the 'other'.

Ever had someone in an 'authority' position get angry when you expressed your truth? And because you cared about their opinion of you....Well there you have where the anxiety came from. Especially in child-parent relationships.

Invite the relationship with 'no' to grow and be aware of the opportunities to practice as they come into your experience. Remember you asked for the opportunities to practice and that the discomfort is arising due to fear programming, so that you can kiss it goodbye, layer by layer. Saying 'no' to controlling people was the most difficult for me until I realized that saying 'no' to them was saying 'yes' to so much more.

I'm with you on this. One of the people in my life that I had to learn to say 'no' to was not happy at all with this change in me. It took be a couple of years of practice with her because I'd allowed myself to defer to her wants and desires for over 40 years and she did not like the change in me. She was a great teacher. An antagonist. The antagonists in our lives are there to help us flex our muscles. In the body the antagonist muscles must relax for there to be strength in the primary movers. See them this way, they are helping you move forward.
 
 

Monday, May 12, 2014

On Controlling Behaviors

Controlling behaviors are born from a view of separation and unmet needs in childhood. If someone feels helpless, unimportant, and unseen as a child, they may try to be the one in control (power) as an adult. This is why we see cycles of abuse in families such as manipulation and one-sided conversations repeating generation after generation. The children of the abusers grow up to be the ones who control others in order to feel like they matter, in order to be seen, in order to be heard and in order to feel alive. Behind the mask of the controller is an insecure wounded child, full of anxiety, who is just wanting validation and is acting out the role they think will give that to them, because they never learned how to attach to their own source of love and validation.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Being Real

Why is it so hard to admit that we are experiencing resistance to life until after we have had some measure of recovery from it? I am tired of doing it. I am tired of seeing it done. There is no shame in not knowing the answers, no shame in being stuck, no shame in being human. Please be real. So I'll start. I had a breakdown yesterday in the tub. I was angry, I was controlling, I was drowning in survival fears. All it took was saying 'yes' to that, knowing that it was not my natural state. I was bigger than that momentary meltdown. Then out-of-the-blue the outward circumstances shifted. I didn't have to lift a finger. It is ok to be real. I won't stop loving you.