Love is here and now

This month brought me some painful, yet wonderful opportunities to see with new eyes. It is easy to fall into the grooves that wore deeply in my mind from dripping, unresolved conflicts that happened before I had the ability to cope. The grooves of lies that I needed something outside of myself to resolve this old pain from old traumas, and that healing would take place somewhere in the future when I had recapped my life with some spiritual meaning and transformed my shadow. The lie that I didn't have what I needed here and now to heal. That I wasn't good enough for love. That I had to remove the unwanted qualities in myself. That my value was somehow tied to my virginity or my sanity or my ability to transform these experiences into something beautiful, and it felt like I fell short again and again. I was trying too hard to find meaning or to find some purpose in the pain. To rise from the ashes. I wasn't rising, I was conceptualizing a new me but that is OK too.  We crawl before we walk. There is infinite love that has been expressing through multitudes of avenues that I had not been aware of before. Thanks to my friend in Costa Rica, Katerina Edwards, for helping me see that my preferences for how love should appear in my life were blocking me and for helping me open to the love in the now moment, in the birds, the breeze; the love in the flowers, the love in the puppy licking his paw. I was too busy focusing on just a few dead ends and wanting them to open their love to me that I was missing the love right in front of me--within me.

 

My Dream of Whitney Houston

Had a dream of Whitney Houston today. I was her representative in the dream and I immediately understood what that meant. I was another her and she was another me. In my humanity, it was I who perceived a fall from grace and innocence. From forsaking my divine potential…yet unawares. But maybe even that is an unnecessary judgment of self. We all crawl before we can walk or run. I just appeared to crawl beyond the normal stage of development and could not keep up with my peer group. Childhood neglect does that. The theater was full of fans, but it was dark there and I could not see their faces. I could not receive the light or their love, because I knew of my past and my secrets. So I just finished watching a video of her singing, “The Greatest Love of All” and I know at the time she didn’t get what she was singing and I tried to sing it with her and it was so bittersweet. I don’t know why I am sharing this, but perhaps it is just for me to express and release more layers of regret and to stand in my own power to move forward.

We Don't Need Another Hero

One of the lessons that I've been teaching myself these past couple of years is that people do not need to be sheltered from the consequences of their fear-based actions and choices. Life has not been sheltering me from mine; and I must admit, though painful, it has been good for learning the lessons that I wanted to learn.

I used to be a 'rescuer' of others and burned myself out by either giving to people who weren't giving to themselves, or by using them as a distraction from feeling my own stuff. One of the best lessons in life is learning how to choose actions that support a healthy and loving level of existance. If my choices are unhealthy, it is going to show up in my life so that I can choose to include love in the equation.